Something has the small town of Cobden, MN buzzing, and for once, it isn’t just the all-day 2-for-1s at the local Ridin’ High Saloon.
|Papa Krebs’ Cobden Clobbers
|The Blind Squirrels
In what is becoming something of a common occurrence, The Savior of the City, Mr. Alex G(redacted), has once again carried the Papa Krebs’ Cobden Clobbers (10-4) to victory in YHWD Fantasy Football League Championship XIII. This marks the third league championship during Alex’s reign as GM of the Clobbers and also propels the franchise to the record for the most championships in YHWD League history —making them the undisputed fantasy football overlords.
As is customary for the Clobbers, there was nothing flashy about this year’s team coming into the season. Alex, himself a noted scholar and disciple of legendary team-building greats such as Gregg Popovich and Bill Belichick, has a strict and disciplined approach when it comes to constructing a roster: don’t pay for past performance or glory, don’t splurge on the allure of popular household names; instead, focus on maximizing efficient spending by finding hidden gems like a miner hunting for gold in the Land O’Lakes.
A multitude of teams attempt to master this approach every year (cough Carpies cough), but for Alex, it is an art form (sorry, Gretch). Proof: The Cobden Commandeer spent an average of $16.9 on his top ten draft choices, with the most lavish expenditure being $35 for RB Aaron Jones — a player who contributed about as much as a snow shovel in July! A penguin in the desert!! — the 37th ranked player at his position by season’s end. Still, it’s this type of logic and team building that seems to separate the Clobbers from the rest of the YHWD League (and maybe staying semi-coherent on draft night).
States Alex, “We win because we are not interested in all of the drama, all of the flash, the shine. You all focus on Prada; we fixate on production. You’re out here worried about highlights; we’re stressing health. We don’t get caught up on TV time; we get consumed by touches and touchdowns.”
The humble, small-market analytical strategy is quite the contrast from the approach their defeated rivals, The Blind Squirrels, chose to pursue. The Squirrels, only two years removed from their own league championship, tried to channel their inner New York Yankees and attempted to buy another title, spending a league-high $72 on Christian McCaffrey. While the aggressive transaction paid dividends for them during the regular season (12-2, high scorer), it ultimately proved that while money can buy a lot of things, it can’t always buy low-stakes fantasy football purses.
YHWD League attempted to contact the Squirrels’ co-owner, Jammer, for a comment, but he would only respond with “CODE RED!” while doing burpees in the midst of a Lifetime workout.
But most importantly, the real winners of this championship reside in the city(?) for which the winning regime is named after. Mayor Butch Krebs has already declared a grand celebration for Alex and the Clobbers, complete with a championship parade and statue unveiling (pictured below) during the weekend of July 4th. Multiple people are expected to attend. While most cities honor their victors in the immediate days following a triumph, Mayor Krebs has a perfectly plausible explanation for this particular delayed timing.
“Well, first, ‘Merica. Second, need to get everything together for something like this. Need to let the silage, sludge, and sewage settle. Need to oil the gravel so the dust doesn’t kick up. Need to figure out what the hell this is for!! Heheh!! But we’re proud of you, big guy!”
Whatever that means.
Until next year… You Honk, We Drink.